Friday, 30 September 2016

Burst Of Emotions



It's one of those things I am facing being a person with extreme characteristics. I love a lot or I don't. I am either working full time or out there doing nothing. I am too much into you or I run away far, very far. I have failed to achieve the balance. I feel too much. I feel too much cold and I feel too much deep inside. I have been titled as the moody one and I have been called that a zillion times. They mock that I PMS for months and despite all that some still bear and stick by me, thanks to all those generous souls. Believe me I know my problem too, I feel too much. I try to stay away but when I get attached, I am glued. Be it work or person, I am dependent on each and everything that happens around it. Photography is a part of my life and it's my profession that must be left  for office timings ( had I any specific office time)  but I still take every person's comment and every damn picture personally. I know it's not right approach but I still do. I feel it in my heart. I hurt myself by expecting from my people. Small things, big things, they all matter to me. It's painful to sense so much and not be able to show it. The only escape is then to show the exit door, either for them or myself.

Last month I couldn't manage the timings and filled my schedule with back to back shoots. I didn't meet any friends or spent personal time. The only good thing I remember doing was watching PINK, that too because it rained and my shoot was cancelled. Today I am celebrating by doing nothing but writing this. You know you pick up freelancing because you think you can manage family and work and also the most important Me time. But hey it's a myth. Prat shared me an article about freelancers and I could relate to it so much. When projects and money start chipping in, when you see your name rising you are scared to lose it all . You say yes to everything and that's exactly when you unknowingly enter into a lifestyle that hardly gives you space to do anything else but work.  

I have been crying on things I don't have any control on. I have been hurting M too and I know it's killing him. I know he has been working for better and I should give us time. Naman Bhaiya suggested me to take up an office and have a proper schedule. It feels the right thing to do too, only it's so scary to move out of my comfort space and dress up daily to office. To be bounded by a rental expense.  I need to get a personal phone too. With work loading up, I shouldn't take all these suggestions lightly. I need to shape up things and not work so loosely. I have to write down my stepping stones. Jiju was correct. Until I do that, I won't feel organised within. The fact is I have grown beyond freelancing and it's high time I realize that. I can't play a college girl anymore and only because I get to sleep anytime of the day or talk to my guy any f*cking time, I should stay back. I need to grow. I am made for more! I am in a long distance and yes it's one of the things I just feel might be affected. I am a home girl too inside, this part of me is lesser known to people but it exists in there. The thing, with me having more time than him, it's already letting to a disaster. Goa trip in October might be a perfect holiday before I begin my phase two.

Emotional ones like me need to read or watch of what great men were built off. I watched Jobs a few days back and obviously I was inspired. I should do my part of the research and didi is correct in saying that I should get off my home zone and start building a network. I should go in conferences and hold one too. I need to be there and enter the war-zone. I have to gather my shit and move out.
This year happened just too fast. Full-time photography, travelling time to time, maintaining  relationships, with all the positive people around me, I did much more than expected. I am thankful to everyone, family, friends and the almighty. I have made mistakes and learnt. I have received fame and success and now is the time to level up. I will.


 Pakhi



Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Don't be afraid to Be

Right side of my head is aching badly. I have been trying to sleep for past two hours but can't. Times when I feel, I really need to start meditating. There is so much happening in my life and I have a feeling that I might just burst out. I have literally forgotten how to live at a slow pace. Number of inquiries have shot up, Paridhi Jain photography is becoming a brand and people want the shoots to be done by it, I face little or no requests for a bargain now and that is itself a mark of success. I am happy about it all. My next plan of action is to hire people coz else I will be a limited affair. I feel proud of my tiny self to be spreading my name in different parts of the country. I know I just got lucky when I got to go to Malaysia to cover a  South Indian wedding. I know I just got lucky when I was called to Bangalore to cover a family based out of Chicago. It has been a slow and gradual progress;but it is a step ahead and I cannot hide the excitement to climb rest of the staircase. Traveling to Bangalore and getting to know a firangi family, actually two firangi families was all worth it. Not having turned professional even after three years is what I thank my upbringing for. I still feel bad when I am not able to take up a project or do someone's work. It still hurts when some shoots don't turn out to be as planned. And compliments still make my heart smile.

Didi and me together are putting up an exhibition this fourth of July and literally just six days are left before the big event. I haven't done anything concrete yet and hence the head ache, I guess. I am thrilled also since this will my first photo exhibit too. I hope we two sisters set a name for ourselves after that. She is going to sell out her line of baby carriers. This mom entrepreneur is one of my favourite persons to be with. I adore her for being such a big hearted girl. Her love for her close ones is clearly visible by her actions and it's cute. I love her crazy and I feel so happy for her. We threw mom dads surprise 30th anniversary party at her place too last 18th and it was a big hit. I was living with her to take a break from my home and from the few responsibilities I had back there; and well to be honest, to meet my friends at any time of the day or night without having to lie it to parents and as a result the party idea clicked.

You know all this is fine. I chose what to do, sometimes I get things easily while other times I have to fight for them. It's all okay. Tough or not, I manage to get it. I am not saying this to self boost but I just want to spread that if you think you can, then start working on a plan. Start small, big will come to you sooner or later. People say, I have a chilled out family, my lifestyle is different than the rest. Like yours even they made me do engineering only. They had told me they would prefer me joining job or higher studies rather than photography which they told i can keep as a side profession. But I reasoned out. I don't agree that what parents do or say is always 100 percent correct. Sometimes their decisions for their children are out of love and fear and safety. Why will any parent like his child to take a risk? They are humans along with being parents and they care for their close ones and sometimes blindly. Yes agreed that my lifestyle is different but who made it different? See I am not blaming you or your parents. I am just reasoning out here. Generally, the child ends up in an argument with parents instead of a discussion. It's a crying and screaming heated up argument for a day or two, after which things are back to normal. It was easy for the parent to influence the child because he had come with no plan but just an idea while the parent's plan for him was in their mind since the day he was born, obviously they win. I may be too small or immature to put this theory but I see it this way. Mom and dad can be wrong too. Please don't waste your twenties. If your plan is risky, always have a backup. But don't you give up or give in your life in someone else's hand. Also, don't you dare cry later for the 'what if...' situation. What if you had chosen to do this, what if you had planned it that way, what if you had accepted that offer,what if you had taken the flight, what if...! Stop considering yourself or others as lucky or unlucky. That's like you just don't give credit to his or her hard work. Handle your life wisely. Listen to your parents, your teachers, your seniors, your inspirations, your friends. Take notes, self-argue, write pros cons, reason and take a decision. Also, keep away from negative thoughts and negative people while you are at your delicate stage in life.


Stop feeling guilty once you take your life in your hands. Balance out time with friends and family but stop feeling ashamed because you weren't able to give them time last evening. Yes they gave birth to us, gave us a beautiful childhood but we don't owe our lives to them. If you were not spending  time with them for past many days then do it right away but just because they don't like you going out daily irrespective of the fact that you are doing no wrong and that it gives your mind a little peace, don't stop doing what you love. At twenties you are big enough. Let them know, mom dad after day and night of working, a cup of coffee with a girl-friend or guys give you happiness. Let them know you are there for them whenever they need you and not because it's wrong to stay outside or watch movies late night because that's the only time you are free. 

Be strong and positive and confident. Don't be afraid to be you. Don't be afraid to live your life your way. We all are different and no one, not even our parents can take the final steps. Don't be afraid to be. 


Thursday, 21 January 2016

Dil se. Dilli se.

It's Delhi and I am here for a wedding shoot. I came a day early to take out some me time. I wanted to buy clothes from my ever favourite Janpat street. I wanted to roam on the clean streets where I know my shoes aren't getting dirty. I wanted to see the pretty Delhi faces covered in the best of fashion. A day away from home, from my room, from family, from anybody who knows me, lost in the city where no one is aware of my existence. In the evening I plan to meet my sister at whose place I am staying and have a heart to heart conversation on the game of hearts. As I got off the plane today, the air around me felt a little different. I was dressed up in red coat  and black denim and sneakers mom and dad got from Mauritius. There is something about shoes; the better they fit you, the more confident you feel. This pair and the one I got from Singapore makes me fly. So yes, I was literally and metaphorically both flying. Camera bag on my shoulder, right hand trolling the suitcase on which my blue madame handbag was perfectly balanced and the other one holding the phone calling for ola; heart praying for the 3G to work. Meanwhile stomach was feeling hungry and body tired for not getting proper sleep. To make my self look more stuffed than I already was I got myself a cappuccino and veg cheese sandwich packed in brown paper bag. I sat behind the driver, gave him the directions, ear phones plugged in, I talked to my bff and had my little brunch. The network was pissing both of us so we decided to talk another time. And that moment I realised its been long I had music to listen to and the daily people like the cab driver to talk to; I had the window scenes to observe and conversations to overhear. My heart is definitely craving for another solo trip, for a part of me will never stop seeking for new.

I reached my cousins place, changed into suitable clothing for street shopping coz' Delhi wasn't as cold as it was supposed to be, decided to not take rest, coffee had already taken away my sleep for few hours and caught a metro to Janpath. Earphones plugged, this time for some peppy songs, I bargained with the shopkeepers, gave them a delhite look and after an hour of shopping all my money was theirs. I was humming to myself when a lady smiled at me, I smiled back and pointed my earphones. On my way back in metro to Gurgaon, I was fascinated by the woman who rightfully asked for water in the crowd. One could have called her mannerless when she returned the bottle to my neighbour without a thank you. A minute later though she did mumble a thanks, but again in the same tone that didn't reflect any sort of gratitude the word demands. Rude, people around must have misjudged. Although if someone would have observed her as closely as me, she was the most simple and naive hearted lady I had come across all day. My eyes shifted to another girl who had taken support of the wall as she sat crossed leg on the floor with MRI report in her hand. Her face dull and eyes that lacked a spark in them. To my other side sat a brother sister duo with their pretty eyes mom. It could have been a perfect mom-kids situation till I saw a huge bump on the little ones head. I prayed to God and now was looking straight at the two girls, who strangers at first for one another had suddenly started with a conversation mentioning something about Jealous 21. I smiled to myself and wished sincerely to go out of bounds once again. To read the different faces. To exchange stories with different people in varied backdrops and different situations. Ignoring the auto rickshaws on my way, I walked down to my cousins flat with a constant smile on face.

How much I love this sort of independent girl image. How much I enjoy doing it on my own. But how much will I love to do this all with him, I wonder. May be more. He will be pissed and amazed both at the the silly things I do and I would love to see the expression changes on his face. I will make him embarrassed and proud, I will be soft and loud, I know I will be happy with him. And I will be the happiest if I know he genuinely loves me at the end of it all. And I know he will, I know he does. Why everything has to be about him now? Why everything has to end with him in the picture? May be because everything we do, we do it to be loved a little more, isn't it? To love ourselves more and to find that one person who will love us the way we are and the way we wish to? Living independent knowing at the end you have that one person to lean on to was my today. As I reached home I undressed, wore my pajamas, got into the quilt and called him to make me sleep on the phone. I enjoyed today independent and dependent...


Friday, 11 December 2015

From August to December

PART 1


Mission: Completing this write up in one go. Which is definitely an impossible task considering the number of obstacles that are going to come in between this word document and Me. Sleep being the top most of all the other reasons which include it’s choti diwali and guests have been invited by my super social mom, a little decoration and helping mom with the kitchen, sleep again, calls and editing work. Phew. So what’s been in my life lately that I have no time to update my Fb account leave aside the Page? What’s keeping me occupied so badly that I have no time to upload pictures on Instagram or to blog short entries?

Believe me I don’t feel good about it either. I have always loved sharing my life on social networking sites, that’s what I like to do on Fb too, STALK. The different souls that I am blessed to have in my friend list, I love to see their life, their sense of dress up, their ways to celebrate, random witty wall posts, inspiring status messages and of course the thousands of pictures these sites are flooded with on daily basis.

Allow me to quickly sum up my life. What’s my definition of quickly? Well… Let’s go back to 8th of August; 2015.Turing 22 was as gloomy as any other birthday. Those illogical expectations that build up inside you, that over sensitive make up you automatically wear because hey it’s your special day and anything and everything should make you cry, blowing out the candles and realising you are getting old, giving treats to friends for benefits and crying where all your real friends have vanished; You finally find yourself in that adult phase and damn it you wanted someone by now. You are done with college and your close and dear ones are leaving the town or country for higher studies/ jobs. Tsk Tsk. Again a genuine reason to cry. *Your potential boyfriend might also leave, the world is falling apart; I don’t want to live anymore,* this was me on the 8th day of the August month, the only thing that could excite me then was the packing that was left for my first international tour.

Before I jump to September 2nd when I was leaving for Malaysia-Singapore Solo trip, I will give you a small advice. If you are falling for someone be open about it. If you cry for equality, then being a man or woman doesn’t matter, just do it, just say it, let them see your precious heart. Who knows something beautiful might happen. Don’t ever be in a state of ‘what if’. Yes! Yes! *Hint Hint*Passport got its first stamp as I entered Malaysia; not that I wouldn’t have ever got the opportunity to travel overseas; but traveling on your own money is something totally different. Entering a different culture, interaction with this culturally apart bunch of people and being in awe with everything and anything. That moment I decided, I am not giving up travelling at any cost. I don’t want big home, I don’t want many clothes, but I want lots of stamps on my passport and pictures of me and by me from every corner of the world. After covering the wedding in Malaysia I was set for Singapore never knowing I made a special friend back there. The actual solo journey had begun. Endless aimless walking, interaction with strangers from Indonesia to Japan, Scotland and those cute Koreans. The very first day I was perplexed if I was actually enjoying the soloness or was it because it was a cool concept, I wanted to enjoy it. It took me a day to adjust with the idea of being alone in a foreign land, took me a day to understand that this is one life time opportunity, took me day to fall in love with it and yes it has literally evolved me. I am much more satisfied with life and people in it. I am happy with or without company. I know I can interact and gel with people. I know my life or I myself attract and inspire people.  As I am being exposed to ocean of different individuals, my opinions about many things have changed.  I don’t judge souls anymore on the basis of what they practice. Not that I will change myself but I learnt that there is nothing right or wrong; there is always a story attached. I know though which folks I will be genuinely interested in a conversation with and with whom I will prefer to stay away, maybe alone.

After coming back to India, the first thing I did was to drop the TCS offer. I didn’t join. Eighteenth September when I was supposed to be at the Guwahati Centre, I began with photography as a full time profession. It’s going great till now. *touching wood everywhere.*and yep it is exactly where I have been busy at. Few days back I got to meet that one person I have always wanted to meet in person. My catalyst. That one person who comes at that right age to show you the right direction.You take it or not, it’s up to you. One more thing was ticked off from my bucket list.

Today it’s 11th of Dec and I am chilling in Delhi winters; why? To watch Nadal v/s Federer Damn it! Can I thank god anymore? I love this life. And yes I will say it again, I believe in the power of secret. I do. 
Signing out from this old write up from my cousins flat in Delhi where I saw a little bit of the corporate culture ‘fun’ today and realized may be there might be many foes at this age, but all of us be it friends or jealous buddies, share this pact that what happens in flat and room stays there. There is no leakage to families involved. I laughed to myself as voices of many uncles and aunties echoed in my ears as they talked about their children’s safe locality and well-furnished flats and friendly roommates to my parents. More from me to come, hopefully soon; something on the topic as bold as love…



Pakhi
   


Monday, 31 August 2015

On My Own



A day more before I make my first trip to a foreign country.  Alone and on my own. Excited? You might ask. Well I am not sure until I am there sitting in the flight and ready to take-off. Only I never imagined all this will happen to me. A girl from a middle class family, always fighting for marks in school  and being a part of the competition not just academically but be it dance, debate, drawing she wanted to excel.  If I rewind the time and ask her, her dreams, you might not want to believe her.  I wanted to be an engineer and management student working in corporate just like everybody else. I wanted IIT or BITS and IIM, my dreams were big but constrained somehow. I never ever thought beyond it because well if you think beyond IIT then you are surely insane. I wanted to earn and live lavish. I never realized that was just not me. I was living what was expected out me as a student, a daughter, an Indian teenager if I may say. 

Maybe that random person who entered my life for a while changed my perspective or may be the non-happening college added to the anger that was building in me, may be the sister’s support or whatever that happened at that right time in my life, I knew I wanted to take full control of it from then on. I wanted to have my own decisions, my own failures and successes. No one to blame or to take credit. I wanted this one life to be my own. Yes I was always the one with dreams, always the one thinking too much, the one whose ideas and guts people called crazy. But see aren’t they working in the right direction now? And I am sure once I am done with this trip, I will want more. The desire of having more never stops. It’s certainly a vicious circle. 

Today I am happy. Today I am 22 and as I look back to the old me, I feel so proud of the present me. I really do love myself a lot. Like I fall for myself each day. It’s stupid to even put it like that but I really mean it. I am smiling to myself right now. Hihi! I have never been to the West, leave some famous persons biography, I have never even followed blogs of persons living there to know them closely. But through movies and sitcoms and from what I hear, the good part of letting your child go and live on his own as he enters adulthood is he finds himself. You don’t have to disown him, he will always come seek your advice and cry to you in his lows but as parents you have to take the bold step to let him go; to lose him to find himself. Indeed that’s the time your parenting is actually at test. 

My mom got married at 20 and had a child at 21 and I am 22, I won’t allow anybody to call me a kid anymore or say that my opinions and thoughts are still immature. I respect experience that comes with age but I support a radical mind as well. I want to tell my parents they have done their best, the best one can do for their kids. I can tell with full confidence that even if they set me free now, I am not deviating from who I am at the core. They have built a strong foundation in me and as I am growing I find a little bit of dad and mom in me. And that’s cool, you know?

I know it’s selfish of me to be saying this or any child to be telling this, but parents you need to let us go. Don’t emotionally black mail them. Don’t be uncertain of your parenting. Be confident and impart the same confidence in them.  The more doubts you put on them, the more they are going to hate you and not only that, yes they will certainly do something you wouldn’t approve of then. This is a fact and in case you are unaware you are being fooled. 20s is the time his personality is actually in the make, please help him to search himself. 


It’s so sad when my friends say, they don’t want to come back home to all the restrictions. They don’t want those two people to be constantly asking them why and where. We are over that age. Those questions are not for the 20s. They will prefer talking of dreams and future instead. They will prefer discussing their ideas with you and their life plans. They will like talking about their opinion on a particular movie or news piece. They will love discussing their love interests but only if you give such an open atmosphere to them. Trust me they will love you more and more importantly you will feel more loved.  Love always feels better when not asked or forced. The bond then what you will make with your kids will be the best in the world.

 
Pakhi –made by mom and dad 



Tuesday, 11 August 2015

The Process of Turning 22

Lately I have been writing a lot. Small notes. Bits and Pieces here and there.  And when not that, I am doing a lot of thinking. My tiny brain is stuffed with so much. Last month I got free of shoots and work and took a 10 days break. First two-three days I spent sleeping and resting. As days passed by and Birthday came closer, creepy little thoughts came crawling into my head. Also PMS was working its usual way. I was overthinking the situations and longing for privacy in my overly crowded home. I wanted my creative space and I wanted to confess someone something. Friends were leaving and 22 was happening. With this last birthday I conclude, I hate birthdays. For no reason your expectations rise up and I am sorry for not being able to control my desires. They automatically come down as tear drops. I am sorry for the days my heart just can’t stop wanting things. I am sorry for being so extreme in the way I live life. I know I ultimately hurt myself each time. But I think I need these little sad breaks. That’s the way I am. They make me write. They make me do things. Being balanced keeps me safe and satisfied but I need extremity to take me to some other level. A similar phase years back got me into making photography a serious affair.

It’s wonderful how age brings maturity but when my own sister refuses to understand the changes I am going through, when she herself went through some trouble in this sad age of 22, it pricks my heart. It really does. I am happy that she got herself a beautiful family, maybe I am overthinking again but I felt a distance this time. As if she is not mine. She is first a mother, a wife now. I have no complains either. Just. I know not all of you ponder to this extent or don’t give that much importance to the little changes since they are bound to happen. I have no grudges against you. But a person like me who has made her profession capturing people’s expressions and feelings because that’s how she sees the world- an ocean of emotions, how can she skip the changes her own heart feels or eyes see.
I have made this life. I have built my life. Had I not added a stranger, I wouldn’t have understood photographs. Had I told mom and dad then they would have definitely stopped me from talking to some unknown guy. While they have given me a lot of freedom, I think I am growing up. At 22 I don’t feel like sharing space with them anymore. I feel like having my own little room and managing my own laundry and food section. I don’t want to be answerable to why I came at 11pm. I don’t want to take permissions for little things and don’t want to see them upset if I am going somewhere without informing.  Simply put, I don’t want to justify, at least not the day to day affairs.
I am eagerly waiting for my first solo trip. I read blogs and articles. It says you go through some life changing experiences during this time. Most of my friends would be gone from Indore before I take my flight to a foreign land. I might be in the worst of my extreme moods. Hope future holds a nice surprise. Fingers Crossed.

I openly say it. I am looking for love. I am looking for a person for myself. I am looking for endless trust in some stranger; for late night conversations; for making plans with someone. I am definitely. If I say this to my family even to my own sister, she will just shush me or ask me to concentrate on my career or that these things are useless. But I can’t help feeling this way. And as studies say, this is a normal feeling. Indeed not feeling so can be questionable.

It’s interesting how after really poised 2014, my 2015 has been full of extreme ups and downs. Good number of weddings I got to cover. Got myself a high end camera. Went on a road trip with both friends and family. Lost 6 months old phone. Friends left for higher education or corporate jobs. College over. Honours Degree. Train incident. First foreign trip on my own.  Nadal vs Fed Match Live.  Okay now as I write the bad doesn’t seem that bad. But Meh. Overall this was a mix year up till now.

Hoping for the best,
Pakhi






Monday, 10 August 2015

The Scary Ride


Okay. This thing must be shared and here I am doing the same. Took me about four months to get over the fear and let each one of you know. I am a photographer and I keep travelling. It’s my job. And on the top of it I love it. Like any of you I would think train journeys are safe. Just chain up your luggage and take care of your stuff rest all is fine. Trains are crowded and no can do anything. I mean that was the last thing I could have thought of happening in a train; Happening with me rather. We were three of us who got out tickets done in tatkaal. It was Bangalore to Delhi Rajdhani which we boarded from Bhopal. We were in a second AC coach and had three consecutive side uppers. I was on the second one from the door. At around 1 am we retreated to our seats. After listening to music and making an attempt to sleep, I dozed off somehow only to feel some cold hands raising my top and touching my back. Since I was sleepy much and because this idea was never fed into my brain that trains can be risky in more than one way, I just shifted a little, covered myself properly and my half-conscious state went back to sleep again. After half an hour or so the incident repeated and this time I got up shocked. I saw a tall darkman looking straight into my eyes from the curtains and asking if had any problem. To my horror he was not even a fellow passenger but the coach attendee. I wanted to scream only if I could. Somehow I managed to shout him away and quickly called my sisters who were on the nearby side uppers. We three couldn’t sleep then.  Delhi Station was to come around 6 30-7 am. Around 5 am people hadn’t gotten up yet. Curtains were still pulled down when this mother fucker comes again and pulls both my curtains and scares the hell out of me. The saddest part of the story was even though I thought I was a brave enough girl, I could handle such situations with courage, I couldn’t. All I got was a seed of fear sown inside me. While that shameless guy, passed us again telling the passengers the station was about to arrive dripping a fake innocence from his face. My elder sister did stop him,tried to threaten him, and asked his credentials. People around also started to speak up while the victim remained quiet. I feel pathetic about the way I acted. Why couldn’t have I just caught his collar or kicked him in his balls, have thrown him out on the station and made a scene. For the moment may be he got panicky but no one saw a guilty man in him.Such shame! Like regular people, we got off the train when Delhi arrived; busy into our daily routine. We did nothing. Few days later news appeared on TV about a gang of attendees molesting female passengers in Rajdhani. It got me chilled again. You know what was the worst thing? That particular gang was out free enjoying their little fun,while the women who managed to file complaints were facing problems such as phone calls and messages from unknown numbers. It literally took me about four months to get over that small but disturbing incident and take a night journey again. Thankfully my parents are not such that they made me sit home and take rest from my work, but had me hear some bold stories from their life to make me learn how to face and react when in such situations.

Please share this with your female friends. Take care. Be Bold. Don't Stop Enjoying. Travel. It's such a sad state of affairs but Just be Prepared. 

Pakhi