It's one of those things I am facing being a person with extreme characteristics. I love a lot or I don't. I am either working full time or out there doing nothing. I am too much into you or I run away far, very far. I have failed to achieve the balance. I feel too much. I feel too much cold and I feel too much deep inside. I have been titled as the moody one and I have been called that a zillion times. They mock that I PMS for months and despite all that some still bear and stick by me, thanks to all those generous souls. Believe me I know my problem too, I feel too much. I try to stay away but when I get attached, I am glued. Be it work or person, I am dependent on each and everything that happens around it. Photography is a part of my life and it's my profession that must be left for office timings ( had I any specific office time) but I still take every person's comment and every damn picture personally. I know it's not right approach but I still do. I feel it in my heart. I hurt myself by expecting from my people. Small things, big things, they all matter to me. It's painful to sense so much and not be able to show it. The only escape is then to show the exit door, either for them or myself.
Last month I couldn't manage the timings and filled my schedule with back to back shoots. I didn't meet any friends or spent personal time. The only good thing I remember doing was watching PINK, that too because it rained and my shoot was cancelled. Today I am celebrating by doing nothing but writing this. You know you pick up freelancing because you think you can manage family and work and also the most important Me time. But hey it's a myth. Prat shared me an article about freelancers and I could relate to it so much. When projects and money start chipping in, when you see your name rising you are scared to lose it all . You say yes to everything and that's exactly when you unknowingly enter into a lifestyle that hardly gives you space to do anything else but work.
I have been crying on things I don't have any control on. I have been hurting M too and I know it's killing him. I know he has been working for better and I should give us time. Naman Bhaiya suggested me to take up an office and have a proper schedule. It feels the right thing to do too, only it's so scary to move out of my comfort space and dress up daily to office. To be bounded by a rental expense. I need to get a personal phone too. With work loading up, I shouldn't take all these suggestions lightly. I need to shape up things and not work so loosely. I have to write down my stepping stones. Jiju was correct. Until I do that, I won't feel organised within. The fact is I have grown beyond freelancing and it's high time I realize that. I can't play a college girl anymore and only because I get to sleep anytime of the day or talk to my guy any f*cking time, I should stay back. I need to grow. I am made for more! I am in a long distance and yes it's one of the things I just feel might be affected. I am a home girl too inside, this part of me is lesser known to people but it exists in there. The thing, with me having more time than him, it's already letting to a disaster. Goa trip in October might be a perfect holiday before I begin my phase two.
Emotional ones like me need to read or watch of what great men were built off. I watched Jobs a few days back and obviously I was inspired. I should do my part of the research and didi is correct in saying that I should get off my home zone and start building a network. I should go in conferences and hold one too. I need to be there and enter the war-zone. I have to gather my shit and move out.
This year happened just too fast. Full-time photography, travelling time to time, maintaining relationships, with all the positive people around me, I did much more than expected. I am thankful to everyone, family, friends and the almighty. I have made mistakes and learnt. I have received fame and success and now is the time to level up. I will.