Friday 17 October 2014

Tiny Little Humans

I love the little hands and little toes.
I love those glittering eyes and the tiny nose.
More than that I love the millions of expressions they show
And the way they can make you smile, when you  feeling low


I don’t remember since when, but since my last memory as a child, I know I have this different connection with kids. Even when I myself was one, I would always be the caretaker of the still smaller ones. The neighborhood would sing "pakhi didi"; there was this girl who would match clothes with me, if I wore a skirt she would do the same, if I was wearing dangri, she would run to her mom and get herself changed into a dangri. Kids would come to our place, when told "pakhi k yaha jaa reh". Probably my name was funny and easy and they could catch it and remember it, or probably they found me equally crazy as them or maybe because I didn't mind them touching my hair or bag or phone or anything in my room and would happily give them away because of that smile on their faces. Whatever it was, whatever it is, I feel happy they easily bond with me. They give me peace like no other can. They are such beautiful creatures. So pure. So serene. As clear as the sky. As transparent as the water.  They are what they are. God's little angels. They are not poor, they are not rich. They are tiny people with tiny everything but a big-big heart that can win anyone. Two days back I was leaving the gym all furious at something and this cute curly haired grabbed my attention and I couldn't help but approach his mom and took him in my arms for a while. Bliss. When my elder sister delivered Bunny (my nephew) and I wasn't allowed to hold him for god knows what reasons, I literally cried in my room and hated my mom for those few minutes. Although now it makes me laugh, but these adorable tiny humans, how can one stay away from them.


They poop and they pee, They are what you see
They cry and they weep, their heavenly sleep
Tiny little humans are gods own people
Lightening the dark and brightening the dull.


Pakhi



Thursday 28 August 2014

No Pubs for Me

Decided once and for all; I am never entering any lounges/pubs/bars. Be it your party or let me be paying for my entry but a big NO. Over the years, I have tried to adjust into the dark and loud ambiance; but I simply can't. May be it's my pathetic dance skills ? Or perhaps the awkward situations I find myself in. It can be my inability to remember the hip hop songs (any song for that matter) and to understand the beats and the stupid rhythm. I have no idea. Yes I don't drink but I have nothing against it as well. I was never a saint. I guess I simply don't like it. I don't feel comfortable; maybe because it's too dark or too loud to even hear your own self. I don't know. Many give me an "out of the world" look when I try to make them clear my dislike for discs. But who cares? I listen to my heart and it says NO in capitals!

 I am fond of dressing up; not too much of it but yes sometimes blood red lips or a dramatic eye makeup and a cool hairdo aren't totally hate-able. But I would prefer getting ready for a dim lit restaurant with a Live band playing probably, sitting around with a bunch of friends served with delicacies over the table rather than a suffocating dance floor raining with neon. Once in a blue moon I do turn up at dance  parties, just in case I have developed any taste buds for the same, but OH NO. Oh no no!

Last experience was a few days back, and I am purposefully writing this post so as to make sure I register it before I repeat the mistake of stepping into a place which I am sure to regret afterwards. Also to make friends note it before they force me into such parties and waste my time and mood.

I guess I am meant for an open sky with stars glittering above me. Soft music and friends.Sheer bliss! 

Pakhi









Wednesday 9 April 2014

I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS IN MOVIES. PERIOD


For  people who know me I am tough and practical; I am Leo and all but like many Bollywood struck souls I end up crying in the theatre. I am no American, I like to believe that any story is always going to end with, ' thereafter Mr. xyz settled down and married the love of his life and had two healthy kids, a boy and a girl…blah blah blah.'

Yes I am one of those zillions of emotionally fool Indians who like the movie only if it happens to have the hero triumph over the bad guys; if it has the lead roles, after all the two hours of tragedy, finally hugging and crying in the airport or some mission being accomplished by a gang of these hi tech agents, audience are supposed to support; in short the movies which end with the "Happily ever after" scenes. No matter what genre they belong to, rom-com or action, reality or fiction, IT MUST, MUST HAVE  A HAPPY ENDING.
I mean I pay 100 bucks (god bless Indore) to take out my brain from the real world affairs and enjoy the big screen reel drama. I don’t want to come out of the hall with smudged kohl, swollen eyes and the most important negative thoughts. I want to drown into the dreamy filmy world where good always wins! It doesn't matter if one hero beats hundreds of gundas without a scratch on his face; if five bullets surpasses his heart and he is still alive fighting for humanity, it doesn’t matter if all of it finally ends up to give a happy ending. Of course I am not talking of the 3 B's: bad script , bad direction, bad acting movie. Those suck.  What I am saying here is I would have loved the epic Rang de Basanti IF they wouldn’t have ruthlessly murdered those five. I have watched that movie a dozen times; but never only once that brutal ending. I fell for Ranjhana, only question was what was the need to kill Dhanush. Then we had the blockbuster Aashiqui 2, well frankly I didn't like it whole. Such a depressing headache-giving film.  I watch pictures solely for entertainment purpose. Now this doesn't mean I hated The Pursuit of Happiness. I loved it. Throughout the movie, you feel a pain within but see what a beautiful end can do to our beautiful hearts! This also doesn't imply I enjoy Grand Masti and alike. I cursed my friends for those 3 hours of rotten drama. Of course I have brains and  a good taste. I am never stating that a sad ending connote a movie is unworthy of being nominated in the award functions. NO! Only such pictures leave me with a feeling of, you know, INCOMPLETENESS…
The other thing I don't quite get is how could one come up with something as gross as horror films. Dude, those shits make you scared of your own room, the screech from the trees against the glass windows didn’t matter much until now neither did the door creak sounded so amplified before. Those are ugly and people who watch them are uglier. Bhssshhhhh! Finding a death ride entertaining is atrocious. Totally!

This was it. These were my taste buds. Like many show offs I am not at all an anti-bollywood types. While the super advanced Hollywood has its own place in the Cinema World; Desi masala with its jhintak item numbers has its own fun. For me it doesn't matter much though, I am no critic, All I seek from the celluloid Industry is a Happy film.




Tuesday 25 March 2014

Head V/s Heart


Palmistry. Do you believe in it? Do you really think our fate is nothing but all those crisscross lines? Well I am not a complete believer,  although coincidences neither let me ignore it altogether. I am sort of in between like I am in most of such cases. God or no God? Ghosts or is it just our fear? Aliens or the USAs imagination? and you know such cases. I do believe in Science. And I have a slight hope someday Science and God will reconcile.
 
Anyway, that was not what I wanted to talk about. When I started with palmistry, it wasn't just an attempt for a good start, I have something to share on a particular nature of mine. May be you too are a victim, read on. My body tends to mix heart matters with brain and brain with heart. If you study my hand, you will find that my lines of head and heart run together (called the simian line in scientific terms). Coincidence? Well I hope it be that only, my life line is real short otherwise!

I feel she is in pain, she needs a little massage but I am not the first one to say, "mumma, shall I?" She will ask and I will do. Although I felt it, that's where the heart came into play, like it should ; But I never asked her first. Brain sends me these messages, "Pakhi  c'mon it will be such an emotional moment, she'll utter some sweet words, it's going to be so weird. Keep quiet do when she asks" and shuts me up!
I feel terrible when my close ones cry, but nope I am not a hugging-wrapping you around my arms person. Brain always reasons, sends no signals to my mouth and gets me tight lipped. On the other hand it rests when I undergo all those senseless mood swings.
Career matters where brain should have been in complete isolation, heart had to budge in. Class 12th when I should have forgotten the world (besides the JEE material) existed, that was the period my heart was the most active, believe me! I felt low for I was putting on, I felt sad I was single, I started questioning my own choice of opting engineering, I started searching for other hobbies, I suddenly started believing in making a career in what you love, money will follow in which was exactly opposite to my earlier mantra of earning first and you will get a ticket to all your fantasies.  
Emotionally, Mentally, Physically as if an invisible shield exists. You try to cross it and you shall be forgotten forever. I like you, you like me; but then there is a limit. How Chandler would never enter serious relationships; how commitment was such a big deal for him. I do want to cross the line and want you to step in too but this heart and head  game gives me a painful ride instead. How true was my father when he would remark, your hobbies are just a fling ( and so are certain people in my life, head would add).  

I do want to change but can I ? I want to be a part of those tender moments wholeheartedly. I don't want to end up saying had I given 100 % in the examination...  Can that happen? C'mon I want my partner to be happy with me! I don't want my head and heart to question each other's deeds! But do my hands permit it? Because to my surprise this is what I came across on the internet which if you know me, describes the very me! And yes as I claim I am a rare case.

"The simian line may be visualized as an agent responsible for sudden and radical adjustments in an individual’s attitudes, behavior, lifestyle, values, goals, ambitions, and identity. Similarly, these radical adjustments may manifest in the form of new careers, oftentimes in areas these people never before considered. The individual, in this instance, may renounce a sound, secure, and long-standing career to devote him or herself to a lifestyle which may be virtually a planet apart from anything they previously considered pursuing. Leaving everything familiar behind them, these people may feel compelled to fit themselves into their new skins, as it were."

As of now I can be thankful to Photography which coordinates both the powerful organs. Gives me satisfaction and a sense of serenity. It's something I enjoy and it's something my psyche isn't worried about. Indeed it's the thing the two agree upon quite peacefully. Tried and tested for past 3 years and hence announcing it loud. Father wouldn't have got me such expensive accessories had it been just another heart attack. Since I can see my career taking shape, I don't worry it much as I do of my future partner. God bless the poor soul. 

Pakhi




Sunday 9 February 2014

Dreams

Dreams, you can't control, Dreams, you can't hide
Dreams you have been suppressing, Dreams that never died.


It's our sixth semester, one more year  for us to be safely caged in our college lives before we enter into the bizarre competitive world. The very idea is freezing me inside. Not long before I was dying to break the bars and now I find myself sitting in a dark corner, stupefied, doodling my new start point when all of this will come to an end... Ishhhh! To be on your own, it's a hard thing to think upon, isn't it? Today when I see my future rivals, I get these goose bumps; If you find people denying the adrenaline rush, then either they are too good and believers of their own art, or are simply lying. But anyway who I am to say!


The good thing happening to me presently is (honestly I never expected I would be averring this in my four years of Medicaps but nevertheless ) I am sort of enjoying college. Haha ! You may end up calling me capricious as my GRE aspirants friends do but really what seemed a bore an year ago has turned into a fun ride, more or less. Canteens food is tasty, conversations with the philosophical guy never seems to end, there is a hot CC to drool over, the good friend made in the first semester has turned into one of the best chums now, the CAT girl and her CAT crazy stuff appears a lot funnier than they used to, the guy who would poke you, slap you and play with your hair and constantly vex you during the six hours period makes the lectures bearable indeed, the backbenchers and their constant contribution to noise pollution is good in a way that teachers never catch your pranks plus you also have a laugh or two! There are dozens of other reasons for me to bask in these times spent in school! I mean grad school.


Coming back to dreams, I wish to turn into that engineer who has nothing to do with even the E of engineering after college. You know those Chetan Bhagat or Varun Agrawal types. Cargos and a Tee, bag pack and a messy bun, Nike shoes and shades and I am off to my paradise clicking masterpieces. It's amusing how I have love for both the elegant Indian cotton saaree look with a hot blouse and a lil' eye makeup and the one described formerly. I think I can manage both. Ummm yep! A lot of day dreaming in the sixty minutes drive to college and a daffy chat with me regarding my after grad life may give you a lunatic struggling woman look but hey! I really mean each of that dreamy conversation I might have with you. I do!


 You know I hate Arijit Singh and his lovey dovey songs, makes me feel so single this Valentines. hmph! :P Then there is this friend asking me to deliver the rose and a chocolate to his girl friend for he is unable to is like a churiii pierced into my heart, or was that an intentional joke played on me? Ooooo! I loathe such deadpan humor! Grrr!  But Noo!! I don’t  really mean any of it. It's just the innate drama queen in me speaking. I don't feel a single who is ready to mingle right now. I smell more like an ambitious dame who although is cozily sitting in her parents nest, but inside her is a volcano ready to erupt and melt the world with her talent. Oooo such are my dreams...

...and I am a believer of dreaming BIG. 


Pakhi



PS: Of course expect my future entries also to be based on career and ambitions, aim and competitive exams          and how my weak lil' heart deals with all the undue pressure. I may surprise you with few placement              interviews too! Stay tuned! 






Tuesday 21 January 2014

Scribbling life

20.1.2014
11: 55pm

Usually I write in my room. Actually always. It's a beautiful  11 by  17 feet room, with one wall painted in red and a wall clock as a happy memory of school time hung against it. The night lamp glowing in a corner gives it a feel of a writers paradise, well at least to me. The low height bed, sorry the HUGE low height bed is where I will be found the most. There are cute lil' photo frames kept here and there, taking me back to the past. A study table and a large cupboard above is the part I seldom use. But never the less, they are regularly dusted and kept shining. Aah! My room, it's just perfect.

Alas! I have been kicked out of it and been allotted living room for the time being. Two low height deewans (my family is crazy for low height sittings, no doubt), a pc, a TV, a sound system and kitchen few steps away! Nothing to worry!  Except for the mosquitoes who somehow find a way to my face and especially my ear humming their stupid songs all night long. Such irritating creatures! And god knows what 'all-out' does except eating up my money! Hmph!
So why kicked out? I was expecting you guys will deduce. But anyway. You see I live in India and my family is very much a big fat Indian family. Guests, thus being a day to day affair.

This is the first time in the past few months that I have a time alone and no burden of editing pictures or studies. Although my eyes do feel heavy and tired plus I need to wake up early morning to hit the gym. Grr. I really envy the skinny chicks out there. A break due to exams and now I am dying of muscular spasm. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Why such partiality god! WHY! What wrong did I possibly do in past life to deserve this, haan?  I am sure all the fat women only invented the inner beauty and blah blah quotes; sayings that all the body-shody doesn't matter, it's your soul people see. But when people won't notice you only, how will they get a chance to see what's inside, haan? Huh! Sheer Dumbness!

Errrrrrrrr. Please accept my sincere apologies for the above para. Changing the topic…I had that drowning experience yesterday. I came across this page, every picture was so beautiful, I wished I had clicked it. It wasn't his photography that was killing me, but the fact that people can earn if they want to. There is a lot of scope and competition but if you are good then a bucket full of hardwork with a lil' bit of faith in yourself and a pinch of luck can do wonders. Really! I am glad that I am doing what I love. I am happy that unlike the rest of the world I am not running after GRE or CAT. My mind is constantly finding ways to improvise my photography and business skills. I felt low because there came a stagnation at one point; and I didn't quite understand how to come over it. I knew it was a part and parcel of the business world; yet being the creative soul no excitement drained out all energy I had within. Coming back to yesterdays guy, I messaged him today, and what great than a sort of compliment on my work from the very him. I am not saying he is great, but yes better than me, definitely; And what better news than the fact that they do take interns! After four people declining my request as an intern, one's whose work I really loved accepting it! 
Hurray! 
So I have plans to go to Calcutta soon. YAYiee! 

That's all that is going on in my life presently. College seems okayish and it's the end of third year; I have pretty much adjusted to whatsoever environment I get here. NO complains.
People are weird; you can't help it. 

Pakhi