On My Own

A day more before I make my first trip to a foreign country.  Alone and on my own. Excited? You might ask. Well I am not sure until I am there sitting in the flight and ready to take-off. Only I never imagined all this will happen to me. A girl from a middle class family, always fighting for marks in school  and being a part of the competition not just academically but be it dance, debate, drawing she wanted to excel.  If I rewind the time and ask her, her dreams, you might not want to believe her.  I wanted to be an engineer and management student working in corporate just like everybody else. I wanted IIT or BITS and IIM, my dreams were big but constrained somehow. I never ever thought beyond it because well if you think beyond IIT then you are surely insane. I wanted to earn and live lavish. I never realized that was just not me. I was living what was expected out me as a student, a daughter, an Indian teenager if I may say. 

Maybe that random person who entered my life for a while changed my perspective or may be the non-happening college added to the anger that was building in me, may be the sister’s support or whatever that happened at that right time in my life, I knew I wanted to take full control of it from then on. I wanted to have my own decisions, my own failures and successes. No one to blame or to take credit. I wanted this one life to be my own. Yes I was always the one with dreams, always the one thinking too much, the one whose ideas and guts people called crazy. But see aren’t they working in the right direction now? And I am sure once I am done with this trip, I will want more. The desire of having more never stops. It’s certainly a vicious circle. 

Today I am happy. Today I am 22 and as I look back to the old me, I feel so proud of the present me. I really do love myself a lot. Like I fall for myself each day. It’s stupid to even put it like that but I really mean it. I am smiling to myself right now. Hihi! I have never been to the West, leave some famous persons biography, I have never even followed blogs of persons living there to know them closely. But through movies and sitcoms and from what I hear, the good part of letting your child go and live on his own as he enters adulthood is he finds himself. You don’t have to disown him, he will always come seek your advice and cry to you in his lows but as parents you have to take the bold step to let him go; to lose him to find himself. Indeed that’s the time your parenting is actually at test. 

My mom got married at 20 and had a child at 21 and I am 22, I won’t allow anybody to call me a kid anymore or say that my opinions and thoughts are still immature. I respect experience that comes with age but I support a radical mind as well. I want to tell my parents they have done their best, the best one can do for their kids. I can tell with full confidence that even if they set me free now, I am not deviating from who I am at the core. They have built a strong foundation in me and as I am growing I find a little bit of dad and mom in me. And that’s cool, you know?

I know it’s selfish of me to be saying this or any child to be telling this, but parents you need to let us go. Don’t emotionally black mail them. Don’t be uncertain of your parenting. Be confident and impart the same confidence in them.  The more doubts you put on them, the more they are going to hate you and not only that, yes they will certainly do something you wouldn’t approve of then. This is a fact and in case you are unaware you are being fooled. 20s is the time his personality is actually in the make, please help him to search himself. 

It’s so sad when my friends say, they don’t want to come back home to all the restrictions. They don’t want those two people to be constantly asking them why and where. We are over that age. Those questions are not for the 20s. They will prefer talking of dreams and future instead. They will prefer discussing their ideas with you and their life plans. They will like talking about their opinion on a particular movie or news piece. They will love discussing their love interests but only if you give such an open atmosphere to them. Trust me they will love you more and more importantly you will feel more loved.  Love always feels better when not asked or forced. The bond then what you will make with your kids will be the best in the world.

 

Pakhi –made by mom and dad 

The Process of Turning 22

Lately I have been writing a lot. Small notes. Bits and Pieces here and there.  And when not that, I am doing a lot of thinking. My tiny brain is stuffed with so much. Last month I got free of shoots and work and took a 10 days break. First two-three days I spent sleeping and resting. As days passed by and Birthday came closer, creepy little thoughts came crawling into my head. Also PMS was working its usual way. I was overthinking the situations and longing for privacy in my overly crowded home. I wanted my creative space and I wanted to confess someone something. Friends were leaving and 22 was happening. With this last birthday I conclude, I hate birthdays. For no reason your expectations rise up and I am sorry for not being able to control my desires. They automatically come down as tear drops. I am sorry for the days my heart just can’t stop wanting things. I am sorry for being so extreme in the way I live life. I know I ultimately hurt myself each time. But I think I need these little sad breaks. That’s the way I am. They make me write. They make me do things. Being balanced keeps me safe and satisfied but I need extremity to take me to some other level. A similar phase years back got me into making photography a serious affair.

It’s wonderful how age brings maturity but when my own sister refuses to understand the changes I am going through, when she herself went through some trouble in this sad age of 22, it pricks my heart. It really does. I am happy that she got herself a beautiful family, maybe I am overthinking again but I felt a distance this time. As if she is not mine. She is first a mother, a wife now. I have no complains either. Just. I know not all of you ponder to this extent or don’t give that much importance to the little changes since they are bound to happen. I have no grudges against you. But a person like me who has made her profession capturing people’s expressions and feelings because that’s how she sees the world- an ocean of emotions, how can she skip the changes her own heart feels or eyes see.

I have made this life. I have built my life. Had I not added a stranger, I wouldn’t have understood photographs. Had I told mom and dad then they would have definitely stopped me from talking to some unknown guy. While they have given me a lot of freedom, I think I am growing up. At 22 I don’t feel like sharing space with them anymore. I feel like having my own little room and managing my own laundry and food section. I don’t want to be answerable to why I came at 11pm. I don’t want to take permissions for little things and don’t want to see them upset if I am going somewhere without informing.  Simply put, I don’t want to justify, at least not the day to day affairs.

I am eagerly waiting for my first solo trip. I read blogs and articles. It says you go through some life changing experiences during this time. Most of my friends would be gone from Indore before I take my flight to a foreign land. I might be in the worst of my extreme moods. Hope future holds a nice surprise. Fingers Crossed.

I openly say it. I am looking for love. I am looking for a person for myself. I am looking for endless trust in some stranger; for late night conversations; for making plans with someone. I am definitely. If I say this to my family even to my own sister, she will just shush me or ask me to concentrate on my career or that these things are useless. But I can’t help feeling this way. And as studies say, this is a normal feeling. Indeed not feeling so can be questionable.

It’s interesting how after really poised 2014, my 2015 has been full of extreme ups and downs. Good number of weddings I got to cover. Got myself a high end camera. Went on a road trip with both friends and family. Lost 6 months old phone. Friends left for higher education or corporate jobs. College over. Honours Degree. Train incident. First foreign trip on my own.  Nadal vs Fed Match Live.  Okay now as I write the bad doesn’t seem that bad. But Meh. Overall this was a mix year up till now.

Hoping for the best,

Pakhi

The Scary Ride

Okay. This thing must be shared and here I am doing the same. Took me about four months to get over the fear and let each one of you know. I am a photographer and I keep travelling. It’s my job. And on the top of it I love it. Like any of you I would think train journeys are safe. Just chain up your luggage and take care of your stuff rest all is fine. Trains are crowded and no can do anything. I mean that was the last thing I could have thought of happening in a train; Happening with me rather. We were three of us who got out tickets done in tatkaal. It was Bangalore to Delhi Rajdhani which we boarded from Bhopal. We were in a second AC coach and had three consecutive side uppers. I was on the second one from the door. At around 1 am we retreated to our seats. After listening to music and making an attempt to sleep, I dozed off somehow only to feel some cold hands raising my top and touching my back. Since I was sleepy much and because this idea was never fed into my brain that trains can be risky in more than one way, I just shifted a little, covered myself properly and my half-conscious state went back to sleep again. After half an hour or so the incident repeated and this time I got up shocked. I saw a tall darkman looking straight into my eyes from the curtains and asking if had any problem. To my horror he was not even a fellow passenger but the coach attendee. I wanted to scream only if I could. Somehow I managed to shout him away and quickly called my sisters who were on the nearby side uppers. We three couldn’t sleep then.  Delhi Station was to come around 6 30-7 am. Around 5 am people hadn’t gotten up yet. Curtains were still pulled down when this mother fucker comes again and pulls both my curtains and scares the hell out of me. The saddest part of the story was even though I thought I was a brave enough girl, I could handle such situations with courage, I couldn’t. All I got was a seed of fear sown inside me. While that shameless guy, passed us again telling the passengers the station was about to arrive dripping a fake innocence from his face. My elder sister did stop him,tried to threaten him, and asked his credentials. People around also started to speak up while the victim remained quiet. I feel pathetic about the way I acted. Why couldn’t have I just caught his collar or kicked him in his balls, have thrown him out on the station and made a scene. For the moment may be he got panicky but no one saw a guilty man in him.Such shame! Like regular people, we got off the train when Delhi arrived; busy into our daily routine. We did nothing. Few days later news appeared on TV about a gang of attendees molesting female passengers in Rajdhani. It got me chilled again. You know what was the worst thing? That particular gang was out free enjoying their little fun,while the women who managed to file complaints were facing problems such as phone calls and messages from unknown numbers. It literally took me about four months to get over that small but disturbing incident and take a night journey again. Thankfully my parents are not such that they made me sit home and take rest from my work, but had me hear some bold stories from their life to make me learn how to face and react when in such situations.

Please share this with your female friends. Take care. Be Bold. Don't Stop Enjoying. Travel. It's such a sad state of affairs but Just be Prepared. 

Pakhi